Mimi Comes to OPI

OPI announced that in January 2013, Mariah Carey will be getting not one, but TWO OPI nail polish lines!

Did you hear that? It’s the Divasphere exploding.

Gosh, I wonder what kind of names Suzi & co. will come up with. I mean, I’m positive both lines will just be 50 shades of pink, so here are my suggestions:

“Hello Kitty CRAZY!”

 

 

“Why U So Obsessed With Me?!”

“If You Have An 8 Octave Range You CAN Wear Sweats & Heels”

 

“Vision of FAB”

“Anytime You Need A Knee”

“Well, Where Did You Think All This Divaness Came From?”

“Once Upon A Ring Pop”

 

 

“Miminem”

“I Answer Only To Your Butterfly Highness.”

 

“Is My Unicorn Parked Out Front?”

 

“Keep Your Money Close”

Can’t wait!!!

 

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Is It Just Me…

Or do you also draw squiggles and designs when you’re dispensing your beauty products?

I can't help myself.

It’s a hella random Tuesday, y’all.

a little POP!

I like to punch up an otherwise boring makeup look with a little pop of color. My weapon of choice is usually a metallic eyeliner. I bought several inexpensive colors from Sephora‘s Nano eyeliner collection. I love these because they’re cheap enough for you to not have to commitment issues with, and I really hate the feeling of being owned by an item of makeup (i.e.: “This Chanel lipstick cost over $30, so I HAVE to wear it with everything to get some good use out of it!” or inversely, “This store brand liquid foundation was so cheap, I just HAVE to wear it all the time because it was such a good deal!”. Okay. Whatever. This is better than that.

Today I applied some neutral eyeshadow (M.A.C.’s Naked Lunch on my lids, and Mythology in the crease) and lined my eyes with Sephora’s “Wild Spirit” nano eyeliner, a sassy purple shade (that doesn’t make you look like a gas station hooker). But enough about me. Let’s look at pictures of me to see how I pulled this simple morning look off:

What I like about “Wild Spirit” is how it’s kinda like my little secret. From far away, it just likes a plain ole swipe of eyeliner, but if you get really close- LOOK OUT!- you’ll get punched in the face by the purple. It’s like “Oh hello–PURPLE POW!” It’s a pretty nice defense when coworkers get dangerously close to entering your bubble. It’s like the makeup version of SCRAM!

Miss Dior Cherie s’il vous plait!

Ever had the urge to smell like Natalie Portman’s cotton candy fantasy world?

*cough cough* Yeah, me either...

But I’ll try it anyway. For you.

First of all, Miss Dior Cherie has the cutest, girly-girl little bottle. It even has a bow on it in case you thought, for a split second, that it was cologne. The bottle itself actually reminds me of a wee little flask of expensive champagne.

Wow, ask and you shall receive, eh?

The fragrance notes of Miss Dior Cherie are what’s interesting about this scent, in my opinion. It contains notes of mandarin, strawberry leaf, violet, jasmine, caramel popcorn, wild strawberry sorbet, musk, and patchouli. Now I’m going to say what I know we’re all thinking:

This is going to smell like one of Katy Perry's farts, isn't it?!

Yes. Yes it does. But in a good way. It’s a light, young, fresh, sweet scent that makes me want to lick myself, er.. makes me crave a hot dog real bad, er.. I adore. It’s an interestingly complicated perfume that makes its point but still lets me do all the talking. Natalie tends to agree. I mean, just look at her expression. It’s like she’s saying “Buy this or I’ll go all Black Swan on you. And NOT in the hot Mila Kunis way.”

 

"That was me seducing you. It should be the other way around."

Miss Dior Cherie|$60-$98|Fine beauty retailers worldwide or at Dior’s official Website http://www.dior.com/beauty/usa/en/minisite/fragrance/mdc_2011/tf470-13.html

“I Would KILL For Straight Hair!”

How many of you curly-haired ladies have angrily shouted that at the mirror while going over your curly-ass roots for the third time because your stupid expensive-ass flat iron won’t straighten them all the way? Ass! God!!!

Here you go again, blaming me for your issues.

And then the Brazilian Blowout came along. It was advertised as “The Best Thing to Happen To Curly Hair” and “A Favorite of Celebrities,” which in layman terms, means its not currently affordable to 99.9% of the population. At $300 to $500 a pop, that’s definitely the case. However, thanks to daily deal sites like LivingSocial & GroupOn, I’ve been able to experience the magic of the 90 minute blowout for just a fraction of the cost, sometimes for as low as $99.

Witchcraft!

This picture isn’t an exaggeration. The Brazilian Blowout is really that goddamn magical, but no magical elixir comes without a steep price.

Just ask Harry Potter.

For a while now, the FDA has been warning consumers and stylists about the “funeral home level” of formaldehyde that is contained in the company’s products. Is it the absolute truth, or are lawmakers relying on scare-tactics to get their point across? I do not know. There’s too much politics involved for me to even know what the right decision is.

Some salons offer “formaldehyde-free” Brazilian blowouts, and even the original BB company themselves is pushing their new product called Brazilian Blowout Zero. I am all for the safety of our wonderful hair stylists and of course, it’s in everyone’s best interest to remain cancer-free. Hopefully these issues can get ironed out (HAIR PUN!) and everyone can go along on their merry way!

O-no, O-Glow…

I’m always looking for the new, innovative thing in the beauty product world, so when Smashbox’s O-GLOW came out, I gladly shelled out $26 for a tube and could not wait to take it out for a spin. The description is complex and scientific, so I thought “WOW! You need a B.A. in biology to understand this new blush! That means it will totally work.”

Contains C20H11N2Na3O10S3; street name: Bullshit.

The description reads:

Experience instant chemistry as you watch your complexion go from so-so to oh-so-glowing! This intuitive cheek color reacts with your personal skin chemistry to transform from a silky clear gel into the shade you blush naturally.

O-Glow is packed with our exclusive Goji Berry-C Complex, ginkgo biloba, pomegranate seed for antioxidant protection, and revitalizing marine botanicals for added healthy-skin benefits.

Seems simple enough. You spread the clear, slightly grainy gel onto your cheeks, and it instantly turns pink, giving your cheeks a flush in the color you would normally get when you…well, see the product’s name for a hint. It sounds pretty cool, except when I use it, it comes out looking more like this:

Major exaggeration.

My point is, I get some splotchy pink smears on my cheeks, and it fades very quickly. It looks more like an exercise flush than a natural “O-Glow,” as they call it. I end up looking more like a chubby 4th grader who just ran a mile than a post-coital sex kitten. (Note to self, those two examples should never be used in the same sentence. Gross!) If anything, you should use your O-Glow on top of another, more substantial blush.

It could be because I’m relatively tan, or it could be because Smashbox is trying to pull a bunch of biological mumbo-jumbo over our heads, but I can tell you that I’m not a big fan of this product.

Hey Whipple! Moisturize this!

You know how the saying goes, “Wear the right moisturizer and you’ll have everyone eating out of the palm of your hand.”

Looks like someone overdid it.

Anyway, the perfect moisturizer smooths your face to a level of dewy deliciousness usually reserved for babies and male strippers.

The perfect moisturizer will never do you wrong.

The perfect moisturizer will be your best friend.

The perfect moisturizer WILL change your life.

I think I found the perfect moisturizer.

Not pictured: magic wand.

Meet MAC’s Studio Moisture Creme Hydrante, a super-rich moisturizer infused with a ton of delicious extracts like green tea and algae that cosmetics companies just LOVE to throw in there to make us feel all nourished and healthy (VEGAN agenda?!). I’ll let it slide this time because this stuff is OUT OF THIS WORLD. Do you know how OUT OF THIS WORLD this moisturizer is? It compelled a gay man to approach me in front of the Nordstrom at Main Place Mall in Santa Ana and tell me that my face “looked like it felt like butter.”  (And yes, I totally let him cop a feel.)

Anyway,  I really do love how my face feels after I slather this on. I feel like I’m literally feeding my dry, thirsty skin with the tastiest, most refreshing beverage ever. I’ve never used a moisturizer that was so thick and creamy and radiant and just makes my face feel dewy. And the best part? Since it’s so thick, I barely go through one tub a year. </endgushfest>

Oh, you’re still here? Thought you’d already dropped everything you were doing to get out to a MAC store or logged onto MAC Cosmetics online to get yourself a little tub of the magic!

M-A-C Cosmetics | Studio Moisture Creme Hydrante | 50 ml / 1.7 US fl oz jarUS$32.00

Got my dreams crushed by dry shampoo…

For a woman like myself with unruly, often belligerently frizzy hair, daily shampooing and conditioning is out of the question. Weekly washing of my hair is more realistic. With the time it takes to wash, blow dry, & flat iron…forget it! I mean, there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get a decent workout in after work and then park in front of the TV for my required 6 hours of Bravo TV a night (I love you Andy Cohen!!!). Clearly I make some sacrifices, but dirty, sweaty hair isn’t one of them (sorry, this post is starting to sound like a tampon commercial). That’s when I turn to dry shampoo, which can be a wonderful thing. Sometimes.

Enter Suave dry shampoo. This economical, trustworthy looking can looks great. It retails for less than $3 and you can get it pretty much anywhere. I followed the directions exactly: shook can, held said can 8-10 inches away from my hair, sprayed directly on oily roots, used heat from my hands to absorb the excess powder. It worked just fine. The fact that it left that powdery, sticky substance on my hair was kind of off-putting, but I can handle it. After this first use, I was satisfied with Suave’s dry shampoo. When I went back to use the can a second time (a few days later), the can was COMPLETELY empty. Unusable. All gone. Why????

Because fuck you, that's why.

I thought I was going crazy, so I bought another can home. This time I used it twice, and when I went for it a third time, it was completely empty again.  Really? Am I an idiot or is this happening to anyone else? 

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