The Gold Medal Issue

With the Olympics winding down and an appropriate amount of dreams shattered, it’s time to delve into the interesting looks of our tumbling, spiking, running, swimming, jabbing, and all around WINNING Olympic leading ladies!

First I’m going to start with an event I didn’t even know until this year was an Olympic sport.

Synchronized Swimming

img via Yahoo! Sports

This is more or less the commotion I make when I am finally able to trick someone into going to The Spaghetti Factory with me.

img via AP

So obviously synchronized swimming is like the Broadway of the swimming pool. Overexagerated movements, costumes, AND makeup. As performers (and probably drama queens) through and through, synchronized swimmers have their own very specific beauty routine, and get this—it involves horse cartilage. What the what, right? I wondered how these lovely ladies went from the pool to the medal stand without a single hair getting out of place, and I have got to the bottom of this very sticky situation. Swimmers mix Knox (unflavored Jell-O) with water and brush it onto their hair before competition. The key ingredient in the stuff is soft equine cartilage, which is apparently very good for your hair. Especially good if you spend 8 hours a day, 6 days a week splashing around in chlorine. And if you use the same pool as Ryan Lochte, chlorine and pee.


Beach Volleyball

img via AP

Clearly all the lovely three time Gold meadlin’ team of Walsh-Jennings and May-Treanor needs is a gallon of sunscreen and they’re good to go. GO GIRLS!!!


img via Reuters

This is Kuwait’s HBIC Mariam Erzouqi and she just looks amazing. She’s only the 2nd Kuwaiti woman to compete in the Olympic games, and probably not the last. Go girl.

Field Hockey

img via Reuters

No comment regarding makeup. Too busy having nightmares.

Track & Field

You would think that training for 4 years to win a race that is completed in 12 seconds would deter you from worrying about and wearing any sort of makeup whatsoever. If so, you must be Sally Pearson, the fastest 100m hurdler in the world and also Australia’s Plain Jane. I mean clearly this B is just here to run.

img via Getty Images

I can’t even stand how naturally effing gorgeous Lolo Jones is:

But her “run face” is frightening.

img via The Star-Ledger

But whatever. I’m splitting hairs here.  In other news, while sitting on my couch watching these ladies run their freakish hearts out, I enjoy judging the way their hair flutters in the wind. My faves?

Sanya Richards-Ross and her cute side french braid and long ponytail

Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, always rockin’ that ribbon

Jessica Ennis’ hair is usually in a bun, but she’s so pretty!


My absolute FAVORITE. Leotards, bitchy glares, glitter, and lots and lots of tumbling! It doesn’t get any better than Olympic gymnastics. These ladies definitely know how to work it!

First up on the chopping block: America’s Salty Silver Medalist McKayla Maroney!

Silver? I am not amused.

I love me some Maroney. She’s basically the Regina George of Gymnastics.

China’s Deng Linlin makes one thing clear. Scrunchies are alive and well in the 2012 games. I can’t figure out why. I also can’t figure out how this bitch is 20 YEARS OLD.

Quick! What year were ya born!

I also can’t figure out why people keep harping about Gabby Douglas’ hair. It is irrelevant. This lil bag o’bones won us a Gold!

“Undone” hair don’t care!

But now on to my favorite gymnast of them all, Miz Aliya Mustafina. This lil Ice Queen has been melting hearts since 1994.

Oh hai there. Just here to murder your dreams! 🙂 🙂 🙂

She’s a ferocious gymnast but girl you need to calm down and be the Easy Breezy Beautiful Cover Girlski that you know you are!

I love the Olympics. Can’t wait til Rio 2016!
Signing off,

2 thoughts on “The Gold Medal Issue

  1. This is quite possibly the funniest blog post you’ve written and you have some good ones! The gymnastics commentary was my favorite – loved the little captions under the pictures. Fantastic 🙂

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