I can’t go any further into the New Year without discussing the makeup situation going on over on Staten Island. I’m of course referring to the charming ladies of the underworld, the organized crime baby factories, the one and only MOB WIVES!!!
:::hail of gunfire::: :::and confetti:::
Looking at this picture alone will tell you everything you need to know about these “connected” ladies. 1) They enjoy and celebrate their chests. And why not? 2) They love their Kardashi-Hair. 3) They love their hoop earrings. And God bless ’em for it.
Now, let’s dissect each of the ladies and see what makes them just so adorable.
Mob Wife #1
Quotable Quote: “Even though I’m technically married, I do have a boyfriend.”
CHARGE: Using a felonious amount of self-tanner.
Calm down, Carla. Everyone knows you’re the hottest Mob Wife, but explain to me how your hands are from the MidWest but your face is all Jersey Shore.
Mob Wife #2
Quotable Quote: “Yeah bitch, I do know that picture because it was sitting on my bedroom wall when I used to ride your husband.”
CHARGE: Unflattering Color violation
Not sure why Karen and her boobs always feel like caking their faces with the colors of Easter. Her mug shot two pictures up is the best example. Honey, you’re way too old for pastel purple eyeshadow.
Mob Wife #3
Quotable Quote: “You wanna play Mafia Wars? I win, bitch.”
CHARGE: Vandalism of her face.
Renee is one of those people who look better without makeup on. Not that she’s a fresh faced beauty otherwise, but look at her!!! Its like the Urban Decay counter exploded on her face. Poor thing does everything she can to look younger (disastrous chemical peel, tragic full-body surgery) when all she really needs is a little moisturizer. She does have a great set of bangs, though.
Mob Wife #4
Quotable Quote: “You want to mess around in my yard, bitches? You’re gonna get popped.”
CHARGE: Makeup Misdemeanors
Drita, Drita, Drita. She is a pugnacious little thing and could probably beat you up with her eyeballs if she wanted to. Look at her, shanking you with that stare! A more suitable weapon, in her case, would be her arsenal of eye and lip liner pencils. What’s even scarier than the thought of being beat up by Drita? She’s launching a cosmetics line next year.